bedridden

i want
i want to be normal again i want to go home and by home i mean the northwest i mean the wilderness i want to be
outside
and in the sun, i want the sun back
they made me watch more vietnam war videos and them boys said everyone was scared
they said they just wanted to go home and get drunk and go on a date
that's what i want to do too
i wish they had been okey them boys i wish all fifty eight thousand coulda made it home
i want
to learn how to appreciate but it's been years and i know now, its gonna be hard
i know about the rosenbergs about gus garcia about emmet till and all the soldiers all the soldiers
i know about your son and i know about your friends that died
and it's still tough
but i know, stuck inside for two weeks lying in bed i know
one day it's gonna be the birds that save us
it's gonna be everything we've thought about and then the crickets and the ol sun goin down and we'll be alright for a couple minutes

1988

mercy upon lonely teenagers
kids whose thoughts sound like post-rock or shoegaze
kids who silently mouth words to songs on the bus
mercy upon lunch ladies
what are there homes decorated like,
and who loves them?
accidentally stepping on dead birds in the wet grass
overcast june
mercy upon the boys who graduated from high school
and still can't spell

pt 2

how many times will you end up dodging death?

will you go out with a bang, sputter and hiss like hot fat,

oh will you,

will you light up the faces of bystanders?

the self destruction of the able-bodied

now,
I remember why I drank in the first place:
when i'm not drunk i have one primary emotion
that is accompanied with sad smiles

without a human,
it might look like imperfections
barely visible on painted walls
it might feel like stark sunlight
hitting the houses' faces at five

it might be silence

i think maybe
if it were possible
i should take the time
to sit and stare at the ceilings
for days
until i figured something out
figured anything out

cost-co poem

wide-ass screens
bloated body parts

dinner is $3.05
and all the condiments come from pipes

life would be so easy
if we hadn't already been disillusioned

?

moving fingers over metal points, over cartridges
alas, softening bullets with familiarization
is
impossible.

a life spent restless ends in a sleep unappreciated

it's sad that i only saw your downfall.

semisweet sharks

waking at night to find your insides still wispy
and your eyes still heavy with overlapping hangovers;

heart-strings strung through legs
knobby knees tugging organs each step home;

taking a drag as if smoke
could fill the cavities in your chest;

vegetable

like a human vegetable
would you like me to sit and wait
would you like me to ripen

i think you are mistaken;
i am not waiting for anything

there are seagulls
and 4.pm light cast on solitary figures
we are sitting, separate, thinking
i am the one drinking water and looking angry

who would know that i am in-fact content

who would know that there is nothing more to wait for

*

i am

coming home, drunk

slipping into bed

and gazing out the window

i am

a vile of warm buzzing liquid

my electrons

undulate and meld with the electrons

of my bed

i am reassured

that my future career does not

matter

nothing

matters...

except maybe the cat

sitting on the window sill

that is staring at the

lake with me

and the silent stars,

suspended

in a sky so clear

that they are shining

through

the

thin

curtains;

inadequacy at it's finest

standing, unsure

work to be done, calm yet menacing, waiting in our bags

this is the school year; this is the continuous downside of having emotions

dry stardust feverish planets

the time of rosh hashana seems more appropraite for the turning point of the year

as it comes around, i have given up on pre-september feelings;

no more drawn out depression.

i am free standing, i need only

now

we are asking the feverish planets

what is it,

that's making our hormones fizz?

oh so suddenly

we've become some too willing

it's no surprise i suppose;

an offer of some kind of love [merely physical]

during the changing of seasons cannot be ignored

it is raining today and i am dreaming of a deep bathtub that sits in silence and winter light