cost-co poem

wide-ass screens
bloated body parts

dinner is $3.05
and all the condiments come from pipes

life would be so easy
if we hadn't already been disillusioned

?

moving fingers over metal points, over cartridges
alas, softening bullets with familiarization
is
impossible.

a life spent restless ends in a sleep unappreciated

it's sad that i only saw your downfall.

semisweet sharks

waking at night to find your insides still wispy
and your eyes still heavy with overlapping hangovers;

heart-strings strung through legs
knobby knees tugging organs each step home;

taking a drag as if smoke
could fill the cavities in your chest;

vegetable

like a human vegetable
would you like me to sit and wait
would you like me to ripen

i think you are mistaken;
i am not waiting for anything

there are seagulls
and 4.pm light cast on solitary figures
we are sitting, separate, thinking
i am the one drinking water and looking angry

who would know that i am in-fact content

who would know that there is nothing more to wait for

*

i am

coming home, drunk

slipping into bed

and gazing out the window

i am

a vile of warm buzzing liquid

my electrons

undulate and meld with the electrons

of my bed

i am reassured

that my future career does not

matter

nothing

matters...

except maybe the cat

sitting on the window sill

that is staring at the

lake with me

and the silent stars,

suspended

in a sky so clear

that they are shining

through

the

thin

curtains;

inadequacy at it's finest

standing, unsure

work to be done, calm yet menacing, waiting in our bags

this is the school year; this is the continuous downside of having emotions

dry stardust feverish planets

the time of rosh hashana seems more appropraite for the turning point of the year

as it comes around, i have given up on pre-september feelings;

no more drawn out depression.

i am free standing, i need only

now

we are asking the feverish planets

what is it,

that's making our hormones fizz?

oh so suddenly

we've become some too willing

it's no surprise i suppose;

an offer of some kind of love [merely physical]

during the changing of seasons cannot be ignored

it is raining today and i am dreaming of a deep bathtub that sits in silence and winter light

---

and now that i know, there's no one i relate to

and no one seems real anymore because they could never understand

without the story

and i'm laying in bed feeling more alone than i've ever felt

sort of like it's time to die

i felt ok today

felt like nothing mattered

felt blank

then i replayed

it all

and felt like a suffocating fish

everyone i could have been interested in, everyone i love the most

loves you more

grief for temorary memory

i laid in bed for several hours this morning

i would have stayed if i had been tormented by hunger

i even tried imagining a bowl of chicken noodle soup next to my pillow.

last night it could hear the rain outside my window

i was overcome with grief because i want to keep my

memory of the sound of rain for all of eternity

but i reminded myself "one final day all you have shall cease to be yours"

and it all seemed silly and then suddenly physically

incomprehensible and my body became rigid

i dreamt you played a clear trumpet

in large, dark concrete rooms with a band uniform

is it even possible to make a clear trumpet? i think not.

a waitress gives us a look as we throw punches at each other at Anthony's; (a lot of endings in a run on poem)

this week i spilled $40 tequila on my carpet

and watched you rip up my old papers as you told me it was therapeutic.

stolen wine turns into a single, accidental kiss

that feels almost too comfortable.

in retrospect it feels like a final ending:

sad, kind,

and real.

my mother showed me her legs with skin that lacked elasticity more than ever

"getting old" she told me.

after frowning at her, she says "we just have to learn to accept it"

but she doesn't realize that it's not the aesthetic of sagging legs that makes me sad;

it is having our own skin remind us

that we are dying.

last night you wouldn't tell me why you drank a bottle of wine

along with painkillers;

instead you blew smoke in my face, slowly

while I stared at the full moon over lake whatcom

trying to understand displaced affection.

today my father bought me a large glass jar to put flour in

and entrusted me his ex wife's number

he told me to call her if "anything ever happened to him"

I frown again.

I run into you on the bus home

and after, I collapse on the grass

hugging an empty jar

and watching the wind

blow dandelions at eye level

happy for once

simply because I know you

(maybe that is finally enough)

netflix

feel shitty all the time it's night and everyone is shutting down but my body sayyyys

it wants to sleep but the process of falling asleep brings anxieties

they are fireworks inside the ribs, hot and wet like white molten light

melting organs quietly

trying to replace sleep with artificial light

someone used to tell me i should be angry and finally i am and it is disgusting; input to my ears, input to my eyes, it feels disgusting. input to my brain feels disgusting. lorem ipsum