*

i am

coming home, drunk

slipping into bed

and gazing out the window

i am

a vile of warm buzzing liquid

my electrons

undulate and meld with the electrons

of my bed

i am reassured

that my future career does not

matter

nothing

matters...

except maybe the cat

sitting on the window sill

that is staring at the

lake with me

and the silent stars,

suspended

in a sky so clear

that they are shining

through

the

thin

curtains;

inadequacy at it's finest

standing, unsure

work to be done, calm yet menacing, waiting in our bags

this is the school year; this is the continuous downside of having emotions

dry stardust feverish planets

the time of rosh hashana seems more appropraite for the turning point of the year

as it comes around, i have given up on pre-september feelings;

no more drawn out depression.

i am free standing, i need only

now

we are asking the feverish planets

what is it,

that's making our hormones fizz?

oh so suddenly

we've become some too willing

it's no surprise i suppose;

an offer of some kind of love [merely physical]

during the changing of seasons cannot be ignored

it is raining today and i am dreaming of a deep bathtub that sits in silence and winter light

---

and now that i know, there's no one i relate to

and no one seems real anymore because they could never understand

without the story

and i'm laying in bed feeling more alone than i've ever felt

sort of like it's time to die

i felt ok today

felt like nothing mattered

felt blank

then i replayed

it all

and felt like a suffocating fish

everyone i could have been interested in, everyone i love the most

loves you more

grief for temorary memory

i laid in bed for several hours this morning

i would have stayed if i had been tormented by hunger

i even tried imagining a bowl of chicken noodle soup next to my pillow.

last night it could hear the rain outside my window

i was overcome with grief because i want to keep my

memory of the sound of rain for all of eternity

but i reminded myself "one final day all you have shall cease to be yours"

and it all seemed silly and then suddenly physically

incomprehensible and my body became rigid

i dreamt you played a clear trumpet

in large, dark concrete rooms with a band uniform

is it even possible to make a clear trumpet? i think not.

a waitress gives us a look as we throw punches at each other at Anthony's; (a lot of endings in a run on poem)

this week i spilled $40 tequila on my carpet

and watched you rip up my old papers as you told me it was therapeutic.

stolen wine turns into a single, accidental kiss

that feels almost too comfortable.

in retrospect it feels like a final ending:

sad, kind,

and real.

my mother showed me her legs with skin that lacked elasticity more than ever

"getting old" she told me.

after frowning at her, she says "we just have to learn to accept it"

but she doesn't realize that it's not the aesthetic of sagging legs that makes me sad;

it is having our own skin remind us

that we are dying.

last night you wouldn't tell me why you drank a bottle of wine

along with painkillers;

instead you blew smoke in my face, slowly

while I stared at the full moon over lake whatcom

trying to understand displaced affection.

today my father bought me a large glass jar to put flour in

and entrusted me his ex wife's number

he told me to call her if "anything ever happened to him"

I frown again.

I run into you on the bus home

and after, I collapse on the grass

hugging an empty jar

and watching the wind

blow dandelions at eye level

happy for once

simply because I know you

(maybe that is finally enough)

netflix

feel shitty all the time it's night and everyone is shutting down but my body sayyyys

it wants to sleep but the process of falling asleep brings anxieties

they are fireworks inside the ribs, hot and wet like white molten light

melting organs quietly

trying to replace sleep with artificial light

someone used to tell me i should be angry and finally i am and it is disgusting; input to my ears, input to my eyes, it feels disgusting. input to my brain feels disgusting. lorem ipsum

continuing

i rented mr. lonely the day michael jackson died (unintentional)

i went to portland, it was nice. nice. nice. a man named paul

cooked swedish breakfast at a place called broder. he makes æbleskiver . i ate some.

listening to sigur ros and sigur ros only. tempted to buy "in a frozen sea" ...

just bought it.

thinking about birthday party coming up.

july 5th baby

gatoraid

movies watched in past week:
grave of the fireflies
he loves me he loves me not
the little prince

pain i have experianced this past week:

-summet mountain. hike a lot. sort of draining. fun though.
-get braces. not too bad. i get compliments on them. even from strangers. very unexpected.
-get food poisoning, my body expelled liquids, head throbbed, eyes hardly worked, my insides were inflamed and my muscles burned and ached from 6pm to 5 am.

in the past 24 hours i have consumed only gatoraid.

and i get my septum pierced tomorrow
school is out however. this is good. but being sick has made me feel depressed and lately have low self-esteem. i am distracting myself from having feelings about what has happened in april as much as possible. focusing on materialistic things is the best remedy. i don't know how i feel about it all. i guess that was the point.

some things can't be fixed.

hello

i will depart tuesday for eight days, during which i will be carrying a backpack through the wilderness. this summer i am going to make shirts. will you buy one? i am hoping they will turn out cool. any suggestions for the design? black lines on white only. 

if you are in the city of bellingham i will make cookies and maybe you can have one.

i often think about what might happen if i posted an extensive post on craigslist; "looking for some sort of companion (regardless of gender, platonic or not)" and list out my interests & the music i like and movies i've loved and so on. i wonder if anyone thinks about doing the same thing. maybe they'd be like me. maybe they'd see it while contemplating posting one similar and then we would hang out and sit around and eat food and watch movies and draw things and drink hard cider that i'd make in the fall and we'd stare at the snow falling and that is all

• why does my sandwich smell like weed
• why am i eating the leftovers of a sandwich that made me vomit two days ago
• why is james joyce good at writing
• why did robin pecknold delete his twitter
• was he being harrased
• my family goes to bed early
• kaki king is nice to listen to when i am the only one awake
• when did women decide to start shaving their legs
• why do i only have three days of school left and just received many projects to start
• why did i eat that sandwich. i feel sick already
• i need to keep tangible notebooks around
• my notebook is falling apart
• i stole this notebook

sascrotch

hello. i just got back from sasquatch. a music festival. i saw many people perform. and many chrome bags and feather tattoos and peircings and people passing out at animal collective from being on too much acid. eugene hutz is still a sexy man.

explosions in the sky was my favorite. it was at dusk and there was warm breeze and it was very nice.

i didn't spend any money other than buying the ticket. i also took no shower. the two guys i was with waited for hours each morning to take showers.

also i had a gummo moment at 11 pm ish when i was sitting on an metal box on dried grass, in the middle of the campsite with a chicken wire fence and orange light behind me. wearing boxers , suspenders, beat up boots and a fur earflap hat . and i thought "i feel like i look odd" and then a man passed me and said "hello." and i said hi and he said "hi" and waved then said "you look nice, sitting there" and i thanked him and chuckled to myself. and then two vally girls walked by with wide eyes and one said to the-other :

"woah.... like, can you take a picture of this.....person..?"

"ha. confused with my gender. " i thought.

"can we?"

"yes"

"make sure you get that creepy ass fence in there...we're not trying to make fun of you. we think your hat is rad"

"ha-ha"

they showed me the photo. i think i looked deranged. i was a little drunk so i couldn't really tell. the way they looked at me made me feel like a genderless animal child. this could be good.

possibly photos on flickr soon, depending on whether or not i ruined my film. yeah. all i have to do now is read the rest of james joyce's portrait of the artist as a young man, read 10 articles on neurotheology and write an essay on it and hike for eight days and school is over.

does your egg glow at night too?

wooden sporks..a boy from abilene texas sent my school a letter saying that his name was matt rogers, and he didn't want to be writing a letter but had to, and would like many letters in return for a school contest. i had no idea if there was a prompt and sent a pretty sweet return letter. i even mentioned the strange but pleasing use of replacing questionmarks with periods.

just got back from hiking 14 miles in chuckanuts. glad to be on my bed.  

possibly converted theo to freeganism instead of veganism.

i will be at sasquatch. all three days. on my best behavior in my sunday clothes. will anyone else be there. 

my middle name is better than my first. 

during the day i feel like an egg, observing and feeling things from the external world. but at night my egg has a larger perimeter around it , like a glowing egg. the glow is like an extra awarness of my being's transience

happy skin

got back from sucia island. feel shiney and brown like a roasted piglet. in other words my skin feels healthy and sun soaked.  

i bought a loofah on a stick and mushrooms and greenbeans from "free"meyers.  headed over to WWU and drank kombucha while sitting in the rain reading siddhartha. peed in a portypotty and felt comforted by the sound of the rain on the plastic roof. was amused and doubted i'd ever feel comforted in a portypotty ever again.

i saw the shins play. it was nice. they ended with the song i really loved in eight grade, "those to come", one i listened to when i started to feel "real" 

(and "confused" and "sad" and "alive")

and then it started to flash flood and people were sprinting around downtown seeking shelter. 

"i can get drunk for two dollars"

i like unnecessary preliminary knowledge.

i am too lazy to describe the context of that thought

yesterday was one of the few days where i marveled at everything in bellingham

it seemed very scenic and pleasant and john feodorov gave a presentation which was good

me and lindsay biked to walgreens to get film developed. eric (employee) said there had been an increase in birthing - photos and he had to look away a lot when processing photos

the night had very nostalgic characteristics; dark turquoise summer sky and small city lights,

i could feel the cold sea air, riding bikes in this top left corner of america. really home, for once.

downtown there was a classy man playing the accordion with a very-unsober man playing the harmonica. we stood on a corner with them for a while.

also joining us was the black man who carries a huge ghetto radio on his shoulder.

this anecdote does the situation 2% justice.

some hobos invited us to sit with them on dirty steps and they told us stories and a girl with rotted front teeth was blown away with how beautiful I was and kept telling me about it.

recalling later is hazy; feeling really shitty about the usual and good about being drunk on a porch.

a day

today I didn't go to school. It was nice. I sat in my bed with my ukulele.

then I left home at three and was sitting on the bus listening to transatlantique,

reading the end of Demian (interesting book) and smiling as the bus headed past the graveyard, dusty sunlight and distant northwest bay and all.

I felt if I died soon then there should be a final photo taken of me at the moment because I felt alright with everything.

does this make sense

increased..something

Today I bought a blue ukulele.  

I used to have a high vocabulary. And I know I know more appropriate words for things but can never remember them. I feel stupid. 

This week I have done nothing at school and will continue to do nothing. Trying to find productive things to do at school. Can do anything I want at school because no one cares lately. Can't think of things I could do at school. I've heard being drunk at school is horrible. I'll just read and listen to Okkervil River. 

I find a way to incorperate my bland displeasure with my recent life in every assignment at school. 

Hearing old Electric President/Radical Face brings me the most severe nostalgia, possible. I did not know this was possible.

When are peaches in season? 

Still need to go to a college party soon because it may be theraputic. Especially if I find a bespectacled anndrodynous human to talk to and then have some form of drunken physical contact with.

Maybe this will make my life worse because it won't satisfy me.